j'aime ma vie

amid all the diaper wrestling...

the crumbs on the couch cushions...

the sock factory in the backseat of my car...

the crib circus of stuffed animals...

the blueberry stained t-shirts...

the wall murals painted in sharpie and crayon...

the missing toys i find in the most obscure top-secret hiding spots...

the constant picky-eater battle...

the runny nose and impossibly fast-growing fingernails...

the begging and whining, "i want it"...

...and "don't want it"...

the inescapable cartoons...

the play dough and fingerpaints...

reading the same books twice every night for 17 days straight...

the "big castle" and "choo choo" blocks...

the puzzle books that end up in a pile...

the no-spill sippy cups that somehow always leak...

the "rinnie pieces" and "bwownies"...

amid Kipper and Nemo...

Mickey Mouse and Curious George...

the grubby smears and fingerprints...

bike rides and playgrounds...

the mountainous piles of laundry...

...and dishes...

the time-outs and no-nos...

the holes in...well...what doesn't have them these days?

yup, amid horsie-back rides...

the pants that never stay up...

and shoes that are too small...too quickly...

i get a glimpse of the amazing, incredible little girl my baby is growing up to be.

and i find myself smiling through the tears of frustration and fatigue...

because

i would not trade one minute of my crazy, sometimes lonely and isolated, blessed life for anything.

j'aime ma vie.

cry baby

top gun and i had a little debate earlier about an experience we had as first-time parents in california. we went to disneyland for a few hours and ended the night with a dinner out at downtown disney. first of all, it was our first time out together since baby girl was born. second of all, the hostess seated us smack in the middle of the restaurant...it was like we were on display, and everyone was there for the new parents show. not long into our meal, our little girl started making a BIG noise. i tried nursing her, holding, rocking, changing...nothing was helping. daddy said we should take our food to go, but i said no. absolutely not. this was our first night out, and they shouldn't have seated us "on stage" if they have a problem with crying babies. i'm curious what you would have done??

yee-haw!

Baby Girl has started noticing that Daddy is a little different. She has been trying to catch peaks for a few weeks now, and this morning finally saw as Daddy was getting out of the shower. As Daddy was drying off, she reached up to touch and he told her, "No Baby Girl, that's Daddy's." Her reply was, "Yee-haw!" Daddy put on his boxers and she blew a kiss bye-bye to her discovery...where do kids come up with this stuff?!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MOMMA

me and my momma, 1984

"God could not be everywhere and therefore he made mothers."

Today I give thanks for one of the most amazing people I have ever known - my momma.

54 years ago today, my Granny held her for the first time. God sent her to marry my dad, be my mom and Nanna to my children, touch many lives, and keep Kroger from going under. Nearly 27 years ago, she held me in her arms for the first time, and now that I have my own daughter, I know exactly what a mother's love is. She fed, changed, bathed, dressed, and rocked me. She took care of me when I was sick. I think when I was little I was more of a Daddy's girl, but we've grown much closer since I've married and had children of my own. Although we talk almost daily, I only see her a few times a year and miss her terribly. She is one of my best friends and has become the "sister" I never had.

She's not perfect, but I don't know if I'll ever fill her shoes. She has an everlasting love for her children, and I've really grown to appreciate how great of a mother she has been and is still today. I feel blessed to have such an incredible mother and friend, and I'm thankful for every day that I can still call and hear her voice and talk about absolutely nothing. I LOVE YOU!

this is a note I wrote to my mom about a year ago:

dear momma and daddy,

i am the person i am today because of you. you showed me what it meant to be strong and fight through when life got really hard. you smothered me with love, but now i really understand...i married a good man because i knew what kind of father i wanted for my children thanks to you. i strive to be a better mommy everyday because i have big shoes to fill thanks to you. i graduated from high school and university because of sacrifices you made for me. i know how it feels to be loved, safe, warm, fed, bathed, and clothed because of you. i miss texas everyday because of you.

love,
erica

granny

from what i understand, she hated that we called her that. in my defense, i was the youngest of three and just called her what everyone else did. i never really understood why all of my other cousins referred to her as "Nanny", and there i was calling her the wrong name for twelve years. i blame my brothers.

i don't really remember too much about her, although i remember quite a bit more than i do of my Pawpaw. one of my favorite memories about her is that she was always humming hymns. i rarely heard her actually sing, but she hummed almost constantly. i don't remember much of her cooking, but i know she could. she loved us grandkids. it never seemed to me like she had much to give and gave more than she could, but she never spoiled us.

i don't think she and i were ever very close. looking back i think it's probably because i was a brat and was jealous that she had to give so much more to Monica...not like my Nenaw. i'll always regret that. she was a great woman.

the last time i saw her she picked me up from school. she had recently moved closer to help out after my brother passed away. i don't know why i was so upset that afternoon. maybe i had a bad day at school. maybe it was because i had wanted my mom to pick me up that day. maybe i was mad that i had to go to trumpet lessons. or maybe it was just plain old puberty. she pulled up to the house and told me bye. i slammed the door and walked away. not a word. not a goodbye. not a thank you. not a hug. i'm sorry, Granny. i love you and miss you. i wish you could be here to meet my Top Gun and Baby Girl. you would love them to pieces!

blah blah blabbity blah

i've fallen a little behind on my blogging. i'm going to blame it on the pregnancy fatigue and all that comes with that. not a lot of people read my blog, so it's not like i have a huge audience awaiting some of my genius, aka boring blabber.

so, we're gonna have another baby. Baby Girl is going to be a big sister. i can't believe it. she's still my baby. what am i going to do with two? i know for a fact i will be doing a lot of feeding, laundry, cleaning, and probably crying...hopefully some sleeping with fall in there somewhere. i am really nervous about that post-delivery exhaustion, you know, after the adrenaline wears off and having to care for two children. it all makes me want to run home and recruit Nanna as part-time nanny. Lord knows i can't really afford one...or a maid for that matter.

all i know is that my role as homemaker is going to start getting tricky. i'm happy that we are starting to get involved in a church, and i'm hoping to build a strong local support system since we are without family 99% of the time. i think my problem in california was not wanting to "settle" and get involved in a lot because i was hoping we would be getting out soon. before i knew it, three years were gone and it was time to say goodbye! i was really lonely and miserable. the biggest problem was i didn't feel like i fit in. it seemed like all of the moms there were older, weird, or career-driven. the few moms i connected with had older children also and were usually pretty busy and involved in a lot more activities. north carolina is feeling a bit closer to home, and i think we'll fit in a little better here. at least i hope...

Top Gun has really stepped up his game lately. He's doing dishes, picking up the house, and really taking a big role in helping out with Baby Girl. He even rearranged his work schedule with his boss so that he can help me in the mornings and go in to work later. this also means working later in the evenings, so i'm not sure how i feel about it yet. hopefully i will start feeling better soon and we can just go back to normal.

i am excited to find out if we are having a boy or a girl this time around. i think it's a boy, but i would be happy either way. i know it would be nice for Baby Girl to have a sister. i never had a sister, so it would be completely foreign to me. ideally, i think i would want to have another girl now and maybe two boys a few years down the road, but i know God has His own plan. i'm not sure i can do this two more times anyways! only time will tell...

i say a little prayer for you...

I found out yesterday that one of my friend's husband recently left her, after which she found out he had been having one night stands for at least five years of their marriage and "loves" a girl he has been seeing for about two weeks. He was supposedly a Christian, and I never would have guessed they of all people would end up where they are. I guess it just goes to prove it can happen to anyone. I just still can't believe it. They seemed very happy and were best friends. It disgusts me and really makes me angry to think about it. I just can't even imagine what that does to a person - to find out that basically your entire marriage has been nothing but lies.

I'm not writing about this to boast about my marriage's success or even to say anything bad about my friend's marriage. I'm writing about this because it is an epidemic that has really been weighing heavily upon my heart. It's mainly about this particular family today, but Top Gun and I have each or both known at least three other young couples who have ended things on similar terms. I'm talking about friends our age! At least only one of them had children in the equation.

I really don't have much else to say about the whole thing. My main objective here was to get this off my chest and out of my head because it's really been bugging me. I had a hard time going to sleep last night.

I would like to ask that each of you say an extra prayer for my friend today. I'm sure she and her family (especially the husband) could use it.