i say a little prayer for you...

I found out yesterday that one of my friend's husband recently left her, after which she found out he had been having one night stands for at least five years of their marriage and "loves" a girl he has been seeing for about two weeks. He was supposedly a Christian, and I never would have guessed they of all people would end up where they are. I guess it just goes to prove it can happen to anyone. I just still can't believe it. They seemed very happy and were best friends. It disgusts me and really makes me angry to think about it. I just can't even imagine what that does to a person - to find out that basically your entire marriage has been nothing but lies.

I'm not writing about this to boast about my marriage's success or even to say anything bad about my friend's marriage. I'm writing about this because it is an epidemic that has really been weighing heavily upon my heart. It's mainly about this particular family today, but Top Gun and I have each or both known at least three other young couples who have ended things on similar terms. I'm talking about friends our age! At least only one of them had children in the equation.

I really don't have much else to say about the whole thing. My main objective here was to get this off my chest and out of my head because it's really been bugging me. I had a hard time going to sleep last night.

I would like to ask that each of you say an extra prayer for my friend today. I'm sure she and her family (especially the husband) could use it.

was blind, but now i see...

So much has been going on around here lately, and it's baby season!

We have so much to be thankful for! Top Gun was offered a job in North Carolina flying passenger jets! I still can't believe it, and I can't help but giggle when he shows me pictures of what he's going to be flying around the skies! It is such a giant step up from what he's been in, it's still hard to believe! We are taking a huge leap of faith since this is a start-up operation, and there are so many unknowns.

One thing that has been really hard for me is not knowing where we are going to live! It was one thing when it was just the two of us coming out to California, but now that we have Baby Girl it makes things a little more complicated. Our faith has really been put to the test, and I have really had to work on my patience while God worked out all the details. I did a lot of research and emailed and called a lot of potential places and even considered buying a house! I really did not want to drive clear across the continental US blind. It makes everything so much more stressful, especially having only three days to find something, apply and be be approved, sign a lease, and unload everything before the moving truck is due back!

Today, our praying and waiting finally paid off as the sweetest lady has been in touch with us and providing details and photos of a rental house in a place called Pfafftown (pronounced "Poff-town"), North Carolina. It is just barely over what we were hoping to pay, but we will have our own place with a yard and a neighborhood pool. It is a two bedroom with a nice open floorplan and a decent sized kitchen (finally!). There is an attached garage and washer/dryer hookups and even a sunroom! I have been looking for places with a sunroom, and I am so excited about having the extra space for our office and maybe a little guest room. Don't even get me started on the yard! I can barely remember what a yard looks like, let alone get my head around the fact that we will be able to play outside in the grass!

The landlord has been very helpful so far and very flexible. She is willing to hold it for us until we arrive and said it would be fine if we arrive and find it is not what we expected and just want to look elsewhere. She told us we can paint or make little improvements if we wanted, but that everything was in good repair. One of the best things about this whole move is that the company is paying for everything! I am just overjoyed about how good the Lord has been to us even though we don't deserve any of it! I feel so blessed!

growing like a weed

My little girl is getting to be such a big girl. We all went grocery shopping today (that's right - all three of us. When you don't get much quality time as a family, even spending a day together in the produce section is a bargain), and i could hear my girl nearly 10 aisles down hollering, "MAMA! MAMA!" It's enough to melt my heart.

I made another stop on the way home, and as I was checking out I got a phone call. "Hey. Mama. Mama. Hey." I have never heard anything sweeter.

She was taking a bath earlier with Top Gun, and she kept hollering, "MAMA! MAMA!" I think it's her favorite word.

When we walk out the front door, she'll take off around the corner and wave one arm and say, "Bye bye bye."

She is constantly dancing and will shake her little hiney even when there is no music. She loves animals and can mimic the following: cat, dog, cow, fish ("bloo, bloo, bloo," you know, like bubbles), elephant, horse, parrot, monkey, sheep, lion, and she's almost got the pig down. It's more of a sniff than a snort.

At 16 months, her vocabulary is progressing quick nicely. Aside from her repertoire of animal noises, she can say (some in English as well as in French):

Mama

Dada

PawPaw

Nanna

Kitty

Juice

Cheese

Ball

Baby

Bye-bye

Belly button

Duck

Bath

More

Boppa (for diaper)

Hi

One

Bite

Down

Yeah

Shhh (to be quiet)

Potty

Shoe

Toy

Night-night

Boo

Side (for outside)

Buh (for book)

Bear

Bee

Keys

Paeh (for paci)

And there may be some others I'm forgetting...

She LOVES the swing at the park. I think she'd swing all day long if she could. She loves to climb up in her little big girl chair and watch "Babies" aka Baby Einstein. She would rather uncap and recap her markers rather than draw with them.

She cannot laugh without getting the hiccups, and oh how I love that giggle.

Sure there are other cute kids. I know other kids are smart. But I am fully convinced, without a doubt, that my Baby Girl is by far the sweetest, smartest, most precious, beautiful baby that ever was or will be. Ever.

At least until we have another baby. And then they will be equally the sweetest, smartest, most precious, beautiful, precious babies that ever were or will be. Ever.

FOUND: sweet baby girl

We went to Texas two weeks ago, and i found my sweet Baby Girl! She was hiding behind some mean molars.

She has been such a sweetheart, and is really getting a mind of her own. She has always been a spirited and strong-willed child, but, now that she is getting to be a "big girl," nothing can stand in her way. I have already learned to choose my battles, because it is just not worth fighting her over something really insignificant.

She is just like her daddy! She always wants to figure out how things work and she has to do everything for herself. I dread the day she figures out how to use a screwdriver. I'll probably find my vacuum cleaner disassembled and the parts hidden in various drawers, bags, boxes, and cabinets throughout the house. The kid loves to put things in stuff and take them out, too.

We all had a great time in Texas. Top Gun and I were able to play racquetball (I let him beat me - you know how guys get), I played soccer (hallelujah!) and relived the glory days with my old teammates, my mom and I went shopping, my sister-in-law and I went shopping, my daddy and I rode bikes down a country road, I went to my cousin's baby shower, we went fishing at the farm, we rode 4wheelers at the farm, I had TWO snowballs, Top Gun and I had a date (double hallelujah!) at Texas Roadhouse and saw "The Blind Side" in the theater, I had BBQ and sweet tea, I got to sleep in on several occasions (triple hallelujah!), I was finally able to spend a nice afternoon with my nenaw, I witnessed my nephew's first ever t-ball game, and I was able to squeeze in a few friends.

it was a very eventful, yet relaxing trip and was the perfect length. I've always felt rushed on time to squeeze everyone in in the past, but I'd say a week and a half is just about right...probably only because Top Gun was there for two-thirds of the time.

The weather was basically perfect the entire 9 days. All-in-all, I'd say it was a huge success...minus the not finding a job part...

MISSING: sweet baby girl

I spent the day cleaning the house, cleaning up cat poop and puke, and having a teething toddler scream at me and even hit me in the face. If you happen to see a sweet and happy baby girl please let me know. I can't seem to find her.

Then Top Gun comes home and it's all smiles and kisses from Baby Girl. When I asked for a kiss, she just turned away and fussed. I didn't get a smooch from the Mister, either. There was no "Hi Honey, the house looks great." All I got was, "No wonder she's mad at you" because i wiped her mouth from blueberry stains. I don't care if I'm frustrated, tired, or even hormonal...I don't think it's too much to ask for a little support and appreciation, no matter what the condition of the house or how much screaming transpired.

I'm not perfect, I know. I'm sure I've greeted him poorly after a long and hard day of work, too. I guess I just think it's easier for him to come home to chaos than it is for me to deal with him and the little monster teaming up against me after being screamed at all day.

I feel like I have no support system here. Everyone works. Most moms are older anyways. The few moms who do stay at home have older kids and are busy with activities and/or share no common interests with me whatsoever and/or have family nearby.

Sometimes I feel like Will Smith in that movie I Am Legend, only with a baby and two stupid cats instead of a dog. Is there anybody out there? "If there's anybody out there...anybody...please. You are not alone."

I really don't intend to be such a crybaby. I've always tried to pretend like I'm fine. I'm strong, and this too shall pass. Maybe that's the problem. Honestly. Seriously. For real. I admit it. This is hard. I need a friend. I need someone who understands. I need to know that someone besides my mom cares enough to call or respond to this and ask if I want to go do something. Have lunch. Go shopping. Toilet paper a house. Something. Anything!

This might just be the most desperate attempt I've ever made at getting a date. I feel slightly ridiculous. Geez...pity party much? Praise the Lord Top Gun took the screamin' demon to the park when he came home. At least he did that. Good Friday nearly turned into Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Friday. Oh well. At least I still have my sanity. HA! Yeah, right...

how we pay the bills

Top Gun works for a privately owned company called Dynamic Aviation that contracts out to the government for a variety of special missions including intelligence, surveillance, and reconnaissance; airborne data acquisition; fire management;aerial application; and my personal favorite, sterile insect technique.

We fall under the latter category. What exactly do they do out here in California? Here is what Top Gun does at work everyday...

Just kidding. I promise he does work hard fixing and flying the King Airs. I can vouch for him. I do his laundry.

We always get perplexed facial expressions and a lot of questions when we tell people that Top Gun releases sterilized fruit flies from his airplane, a process known as Sterile Insect Technique.

Baby Girl chasing down Daddy in his airplane.

a week of reflection, a week for celebration

Easter '85. Kyle found the prize egg at Granny's.

My brother Kyle would have been thirty years old tomorrow. Thirty years old. It's hard to comprehend.

I was twelve years old when we lost him, and in my mind he's still sixteen. Sixteen. It's difficult to think of my big brother as my "big brother" when I am now twenty-six years old. I am twenty-six years old, and my big brother is still sixteen. See what I mean?

That was such a defining moment in my life. Tragedy usually is. People still use that to explain to others who we are, I'm sure. I know I do it for others. "Oh, that's so-and-so's mom. Remember? That girl that died in the car wreck?" We all do it.

I feel like those years are such a blur. I only have little flashes and things that I've retained because of photographs, but I don't remember much beyond that. Even in high school I couldn't remember...I must have blocked it all out somehow.

When my cousin Monica was about two, she was also the only survivor in a car accident that took the lives of her 4 year-old brother Eric, step dad, mom and their unborn baby. All Monica suffered was a broken leg. My granny raised her until for nearly fourteen years until they were in a car accident just months after Kyle died, and Monica was once again the sole survivor. I can't even begin to imagine that kind of loss and trauma. She came to live with us for a few years after that until she was old enough to get her own place. I really don't remember much about that time in my life, except that I eventually started sleeping in Kyle's room because she stayed up later than I did doing homework. We're very different, but I love her like the sister I never had. She is expecting her second child this summer, and Top Gun and I are going to be his Godparents.

My Paw Paw passed away in his sleep the year after we lost Kyle and Granny. I woke up to the sound of my Nenaw crying out to him to wake up. I knew immediately what was going on, but I didn't know what to do. I just sat on the couch quietly while in came the ambulance...coroner...and finally my parents came to take me home. Things happened in the years following his death that tore our family apart, and it has never been the same, but I remain close to my Nenaw and try to call and visit whenever I can.

All of that said, you now have a little insight into who I am and why I am the way I am. I always thought that I would change things if I could...and I'm sure I would...what can I say, I'm selfish? But nonetheless, all of past has made me who I am today. I don't think that I would value life and family the way I do now if I hadn't suffered so much loss. I am so thankful for all that God has blessed me with: two selfless parents; a loving husband; a happy, healthy, and beautiful baby girl; money in the bank; a safe house; a car that runs; an education; food; my health and so on and so on and so on.

Of course, it took me YEARS before I got through the seven steps. It was only days at Kyle's visitation when I got past the shock and denial. Steps two and three (pain and guilt, anger and bargaining) were kind of bundled up together and took a few years. Stage four was the hardest and longest. I think the depression was about five years. I tried all sorts of ridiculous things to feel/to not feel, and I hit my low in Christmas of 2003, a month before I started dating Top Gun. He was my saving grace. Don't get me wrong, God had His fingerprints all over it, but it was the man God brought into my life who started the upward turn (stage five) and reconstruction (stage six). I think stage seven is and always will be never-ending. I continue to accept my past and find hope in my present and future. Anytime I've thought I had it bad, I look around and see so many people much worse off and count my blessings.

Please don't for one instant take a person, moment, or your life for granted. It could all change tomorrow.

On another note, Happy Easter! Praise God that we will all be reunited one day in heaven. Thank you for sacrificing your Son!