the Lord's work

Colossians 3:23 says, "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men." It's sometimes hard to remember that during those times when nothing seems to go right. On those days when Riley messes whatever I clean, she screams for no reason, I don't get to shower, when my all is just not good enough, or even a good day when no one is there to tell me thank you or acknowledge the time and love I have poured into caring for two small children.

It's times like these that I have to step back from the mess or screaming and remind myself that "this too shall pass." My girls won't always be little. There will always be a mess to clean. And even when I spend an entire day treading water, I am thankful for the daily reminders of God's love for me through the tiny miracles I experience everyday. Whether it's seeing my babies' smiles or hearing them giggle, a hug or kiss, the pitter-patter of little feet running through the house, my two year old praying and thanking God for Mommy (even though I was yelling at her two minutes ago), and watching them learn about the world our God created.

These are just a few reminders that my job, though perhaps not glamorous, is important. And no matter how often my gestures of love go unnoticed, what I'm doing makes a difference. Although I have to wash the dishes twice a day, the laundry never ends, my two year old refuses to eat the food I cook or seems demon-possessed, my husband is gone for days at a time, and I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown, I dig down deep and pray for the strength to get through another day on the baby battlefield. I pray that, while my heart is pounding, teeth clenched, and lips pursed, I have the patience to deal with another tantrum without losing my temper. I pray for the energy to prepare another meal that only I will eat (and another meal that meets a toddler's standards, sort of). I pray for the strength to manage a household while my husband is away from home working hard to bring home the bacon. And, at night, when the girls are sleeping and the house is quiet, I thank God that we survived another day! I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and remember that God is with me and loves me and sees the work that I am doing at home to further His kingdom.

redeemed

i came across this poem i wrote several years ago and thought i'd share it with y'all. enjoy! :)

i raised my arms up to the sky

and slowly as the clouds rolled by

the tears streaked down and raindrops ran

and blended with the blood on my hand

the puddles formed beneath my feet

then all the angels began to weep

my eyes were on heaven, His eyes were on me

i lost myself and fell on my knees

then down on my face and calling on Him

i begged that He take back all of my sin

"let me go back, turn back the clock,"

i begged and i pleaded, "please God make it stop!

the pain of it all, is this how it feels

for the ones whom you love to deny your appeals?

i'm sorry i sinned and killed you again

god please, oh please, take away all my sin

i need to start over, please give me that

i need a clean slate since i cannot go back."

the sunshine is covered by all of the clouds

and i'm still praying and crying out loud

my blood is covered by the blood that He gave

and i thanked God that even my soul could be saved

as the blood on the ground washed away with the rain

the clouds soon faded along with my pain

i rose to my feet and raised my arms to the sky

as the sunshine beamed down and the scarlet turned white

my eyes were soon dried and the puddles receded

all of my heartache and wounds had been treated

for He is the one who forgives everything

and taking it back was not as hard as it seemed

confessions

1. i do not like lunch meat, cauliflower, or lamb.

2. i hate spiders, but i will pick up a granddaddy long legs because i know they can't bite me.

3. i fell out of a truck the summer after i graduated from high school. it took nearly a year for the scars on my face to fade.

4. i got in a fight with a boy in fifth grade and didn't get in trouble. his teacher came into my classroom after recess and told me thank you!

5. i won the spelling bee in fifth grade but never learned how to do long division (still don't). i almost had to do a lesson on it when i was student teaching and panicked!

6. i don't like to be just good at something. i want to be the best. i lettered in five sports in high school (volleyball, basketball, soccer, track and cross country). i was named first team in volleyball my second year ever playing. i made first team and all east texas team in basketball my senior year. i was the only girl on the boys' varsity soccer team. in college soccer, i made first team my sophomore, junior, and senior years and conference co-mvp and letourneau's student athlete of the year my senior year.

7. i went to play basketball and majored in pre-med at ut dallas my freshman year of college. i left after my first semester, took a few months off, then went to play soccer and major in early childhood education at letourneau the next fall.

8. i worked at disneyland in fantasyland for nearly 6 months when we lived in california.

9. i am still a total tomboy. i'd take a gun, fishing rod, 4-wheeler, or ball any day over shoes, purses, makeup, and shopping.

10. i think i am one of the only women in the world unhappy about being skinny. i am always trying to gain weight, even when i'm pregnant. the most i have ever weighed (other than during pregnancy) was 120.

11. i gained 35 lbs. during both of my pregnancies. i lost 40 after i had riley.

12. jason is the only person who i will let see me cry, and even that doesn't happen very often.

13. josh turner is my celebrity crush.

14. i cancelled last minute for my first date with jason. it was a double date and he ended up being the third wheel. i guess he forgave me :)

15. in high school i told my friends that i would never live to be thirty. that's just over two years away, and now i pray that i will live to see my grandkids turn thirty :)

16. i have on old blog from college. you can find it here.

17. i do not drink coffee...yet. but then i do want more kids, so...

18. i have been to 7 countries and 25 US states (not including airport connections).

19. we didn't find out if riley was a boy or a girl when i was pregnant, and we didn't have a boy name picked out. we still couldn't agree on a boy name when i got pregnant with samantha. good thing they were both girls.

20. my mom is the only one among her siblings who hasn't been divorced. another good thing.

21. i flipped off a teacher in high school because i thought he would think it was funny. he didn't.

22. spring is now officially my favorite season. i love the blooms, fireflies, warm rains and thunderstorms.

23. in the 20 years i participated in contact sports, the worst injury i sustained was a concussion and bursted blood vessels inside my eye (i was temporarily blinded in one eye). i have never broken any bones in or out of sports (i did dislocate a bone in my hand/wrist after the truck fall, though). oh, and i sprained an ankle once playing intramural flag football.

24. i like the smell and taste of bananas but won't eat them because i don't like the texture.

did you learn anything new about me?

there is only so much...

there is only so much one can take. yes, i do cherish my sleep. and yes, i do know that you are supposed to sleep when the baby sleeps. but seriously...there is only so much one can take! there are a limited number of times that i am willing to step over a pile of laundry. i can only handle sitting on a crumb-covered couch for so long. not to mention that it's ant season! don't even get me started on the dishes. you know when you pile them on one side of the sink to soak? and you know how, after you haven't gotten to those, you start to stack dishes on the other side? and then you know how you can't even use your kitchen sink because there are too many disgusting dirty dishes (that by the point, you're almost not even willing to touch, let alone put your hands in that nasty water) in the way? yeah, don't even get me started on the dishes...oh and diapers. let me tell you about the diapers. they're everywhere. i think we have one trash can in our house, and it's in our bathroom. let me break it down for you:

1. during the middle of the night, sam's diapers get changed in our bed, and they get tossed on the floor. by the time we get up for breakfast, there's a nice pile of 3 or 4 (sometimes more) diapers.
2. in the morning, riley's diaper gets changed either on her floor before breakfast or on the couch after breakfast, so the diaper usually ends up either in the hallway or on the living room floor.
3. during the day, diapers get changed wherever we happen to be, which is, 9 times out of 10, in the living room.

depending on how fussy sam is being or how busy i am chasing riley around, these diapers may or may not sit in their designated spots until i can get to them and dispose of them properly. the kiddos get put on hold if riley poops. those diapers can't be left sitting around to marinate. it's just not safe. you may think that it would save me a lot of trouble if i would just put the clothes in the hamper, have riley eat only at the table, and invest in a few more trash cans. you would be wrong. have you ever left wet clothes in a hamper for an extended amount of time? it ain't pretty, and it doesn't smell pretty, either. have you ever left a 2 year-old alone at a table to eat? yeah, that one isn't much fun, either. food ends up everywhere but in her belly. have you ever had to empty a trashcan that's been collecting diapers for a few days/weeks? trust me, my friend. you don't want to. that's all i can say. it's easier this way.

so, that is why, my friends, i sometimes do without a nap, because there is only so much one can take. besides...i can sleep tomorrow.

baby girl's birthday

for those of you who want to know, this is a short recap of the events leading up to and immediately following the birth of our second daughter. as for the rest of you, read it or don't. whatever.

i had been having braxton hicks since my first trimester, so some deep maternal instinct told me this baby would come much earlier than my first. don't always listen to your gut. to give you a little background, my parents drove 17 hours straight from texas overnight to get here 4 days earlier than planned because we just knew she was going to come ahead of schedule. well, she didn't. four days passed with no clear indication of an impending labor. we walked. i carried big girl around like a mule. i juggled a soccer ball around with my husband (i bet that was a sight). we played bocce ball. i walked more. i had a checkup on friday morning, and after wrestling with the thought of rushing her arrival, we decided to let the doctor rupture my membranes to help me along. i was at 3 and 50% effaced at this point. my dad almost gave up and went home on saturday to get home in time (and somewhat rested) for work on monday, but we convinced him to stay just one more day. it payed off! and now, here is the labor story...

around 7pm saturday, i started getting regular contractions. when i first began timing them, they were about every 3-5 minutes but not painful at all. my mom kept trying to kick me out the door, but i didn't think i was in labor, and even if i was, there was no point in spending all night laboring in the hospital. after an hour or so, i called the doctor's office to see what they thought. in the meantime, i fed big girl dinner, gave her a bath, read books with her and got her ready for bed. even though i was in a little bit of denial, i knew these were the final precious moments with just one daughter. it was very bittersweet and i will cherish that time i had with her forever. we rocked and said our bedtime prayers, and i gave her big hugs and kisses before putting her to bed.

another hour and a half passed, and i had yet to hear back from the doctor's office. so we made the decision to just go. we loaded up the car, called the babysitter, and headed to the hospital. by this point, my contractions were about every 2-3 minutes and starting to get a bit stronger but still not big. i still wasn't fully convinced that this was it. we parked and checked in, answering a lot of questions (we'll come back to this later). when they got us in upstairs, i was at 4 and 70% effaced, so we walked the halls for about an hour and a half. i wanted to walk, but i wanted to lie down, but i wanted to stand, but i wanted to sit. nothing was comfortable. the nurse asked us most of the same questions we had already answered at check-in, but i wasn't in excruciating pain yet so i wasn't too annoyed. after our walk, the nurse violently checked me. i had dilated to 5. she stepped out of the room a few seconds later, and my water broke! it was so loud, top gun heard it over the monitor! the contractions started to get serious after that. it was gut-wrenching, but it earned us a spot in a delivery room! so they moved me...

when we got into our room, they started hooking me up to all the monitors and IVs. the nurse there asked me all of the same questions i had already answered twice! i was so mad at that woman i wanted to kick her. why do they ask you questions when you're enduring the agony of childbirth?? the worst part is your husband isn't allowed to answer them for you...what kinda hotel is this? anyways, after mumbling a few choice words and giving her the evil eye, i decided i'd had enough. it had been 6 hours (39 weeks, actually), and i was still at 5. who knew how much longer i would suffer? well, it would only be about 45 minutes...

i thought the anesthesiologist would never get there. 20 long minutes after i put in my request, sweet relief came dripping down in liquid form. ahhh, praise the Lord for modern medicine! after that, the nurse and i were best buds! not too long after the epidural was administered, i felt a bit of pressure that i remembered having when riley was born. we called in the nurse, and since i had just been at 5, she didn't check me. she said to just let her know if it continued or got stronger. the second she stepped out of the room, i looked at top gun and told him to get her back in there! she came over and said, "oh! there she is! you're going to have a baby now!" everyone came in and got ready, i pushed a few times, and there she was!

at 2:16am, i held our second perfect, beautiful, and healthy 8 lb. 1 oz., 20.25 in. long daughter for the first time. i was in love!

the next morning, big girl came to the hospital to meet her new baby sister. the first words out of her mouth were, "no! don't want it!" it took her three days to touch her, and she also kissed her on the head without us prompting her. she is slowly warming up, but most of the time ignores her. she will bring us things like blankets and diapers to help out, which i love. a few days ago when baby girl was crying, she patted her on the leg and said, "it's okay, samantha." she made one attempt at playing blocks with her baby sister and put in a request to take a bath together, but it hasn't taken much for her to realize she is much too small and incapable for now.

for now we are still getting up about three times every night, but i am trying to focus on the positive and enjoy my blessings while i can. i know that pretty soon they will be too big to give momma hugs and kisses. they grow up so fast...

i wanna wear my cleats

i miss soccer. i miss playing in the warm rain and squishing around the field in my soggy cleats. i miss the blistering feeling on my lips while playing in the dry heat. i miss the foggy humid morning practices and the muggy friday nights under the lights. i miss the smell of fresh cut grass and sweat and dirt and the taste of salt dripping down my face. i miss shin guard tan lines and training hard. i miss the sound of the ball hitting the back of the net, teammates, tackling, road trips, sun burns, and fighting hard to be the best. i miss it all.

the final stretch!

i hit my 38 week mark today, and it's really starting to hit me how our lives are going to be changing very soon! baby girl has been overflowing with love and giggles and cuddles and kisses and cuteness and playfulness for the past few days, and i have really been treasuring what little time is left with only one daughter.

last night hit me really hard with the realization that it's not just my life that will be changing, but my sweet little girl's whole world will turn upside down. she has had momma all to herself for over two years now, and a baby sister means sharing an overwhelmingly large amount of momma. as excited as i am to meet my second daughter, i'm also slightly afraid of the toll bringing home a new baby will take on her. all i can do is prepare myself for sharing my time, love, and attention with two children and their daddy...and hopefully squeeze in a little me time every now and then, too.

i am praying for the courage, strength, and energy i will need to care for a newborn and toddler through the early days, weeks, and months of sleep deprivation...especially when daddy has trips and is gone for a week or two at a time and it's all on momma! it's nice to know that we have a handful of trustworthy friends nearby that i can call if i start to lose my marbles!