change

You've opened the cylinder, ejected the cases, and unloaded a revolver. Imagine putting it up to your head and feeling the cold metal pressing against your skin. Even though you know there is no chance of it killing you, pulling the trigger can be terrifying.

That's how I feel now. I know God is in control and this change isn't going to kill me, but I didn't think it would be this scary.

My husband lost his job last week. Well, technically, they offered to transfer him to a different branch within the company, but they "let him go" nonetheless. We were given the choice between five different options, none of them perfect and all involving some type of risk.

Want to hear something funny? For the past few months, I've actually wanted this. I was tempted to ask my husband to just quit so we could find something better. It's funny because I always think I know better, but the reality is that I don't. God knows what He's doing. The hard part for me is letting Him do it. I don't like being told what to do, especially when it's something I don't want to do. I also thought that once we got to this point, it would be easy. I couldn't have been more wrong.

I prayed and waited for three long and lonely years to get out of California. We lived in an 800 sq. ft. duplex with really thin walls and really loud neighbors. There was no yard. There was a lot to do and all of it close to home, so, although difficult, life there was a lot of fun at times, too. When we got the opportunity to move to North Carolina, we jumped on it.

We went from a tiny concrete prison to a two bedroom house right outside the city limits on half an acre...for half the price we were paying in California! We visited two churches before we found our home. It was like love at first sight (not that the appearance of the church is what captured our hearts). I remember one evening right after we moved in, driving to the grocery store and seeing the sunset over all the fields and grass and trees and knowing I was going to be very happy here.

It's one thing packing up your lives and saying goodbye when you aren't very happy. It's quite another thing walking away when you're in love. In the past few weeks, I started looking into the possibility of buying a house and settling down. We went from browsing homes to browsing jobs in a matter of days. It's like God saw that I was trying to get comfortable and yanked the rug right out from under my feet without warning. I never saw it coming.

I must say that I am extremely thankful to even have options in as tough of an industry as aviation and in a terrible economy on top of that, but I can't help but be a little resentful that, just as we are building close friendships and establishing a support system, we have to go somewhere new and start all over again.

So, this is where I am. I'm sitting on the front step outside of a home filled with all of my closest friends. The door is closed and the path in front of me has branched out in about ten different directions in the dark. Only a few of the paths are lit, so I know that those are probably the safest options, but I can't see around the bends or over the hills down the paths.

I am just sitting here waiting. Waiting for a sign to tell me which way to go. Waiting for God to come carry me because I can't make the journey alone. I have been tempted to just choose the one that's looks the nicest to me and hope for the best, but I know that's too risky. It would most likely end in one of two ways. I would either choose the wrong path and have to turn back several times to try another after realizing I went the wrong way, or I could fight through all of the obstacles trying to make it work, dragging my family behind me.

I just picture myself going for a walk with my husband and two young daughters. We go down the path that I selfishly chose, throwing caution to the wind because this is what I want. We end up lost, climbing over boulders, trudging through mud pits, getting caught up in thorny vines that cut us with each painful step. We would all be miserable, my family would resent me, and I would feel like an idiot for thinking I knew the way.

In the long run, I think having a little patience and putting my trust in God would save us a lot of heartache. I'm just waiting for my heart to catch up with my head, because I know what I need to do...I just don't want to do it! I will admit, though, it will be a much nicer journey walking down the path holding Jesus's hand and enjoying the scenery than having Him drag me kicking and screaming the whole way.

hot

disclaimer: this is not a rant about my husband. it is simply a collection of thoughts on modesty and creepers.

are all men perverts? is it possible to smile or be friendly with a man, and not have kindness be mistaken for flirting or a proposal to sleep together?

which brings me to another point. it's not always the men's fault. men are designed to be attracted to women. plain and simple. you can't be a thread away from nudity and not expect a man to not have sexual thoughts. (double negatives can be so confusing).

i'll admit that, as a woman, i sometimes feel a bit of a competitive urge when it comes to my clothing and appearance. i want to feel hot when i'm out in public. i am from texas, and i do like the sun, but, by hot, i mean sexy. <--check all="" commas.="" out="" p="" those="">

what many girls/women do not realize and i am having to constantly remind myself of is that, even though their choice in clothing may have gotten the attention of their prime target (aka "mr. right" or, in my case, my husband), it usually also gets the attention of mr. wrong and mr. way wrong, too.

i'm sure you can think back to at least one time in your life, where another girl got more attention because she was wearing less. remember the way it made you feel to have your man look at another woman that way next time you are getting dressed. you may be causing someone's husband, daddy, brother, or son to sin! you are hurting someone's wife, daughter, or sister!

there are certainly things that a mother should just not wear (partly because it just doesn't look as good as it did pre-baby), but also because she is a mother. we need to set examples for our daughters, who are living in a society where they are constantly being bombarded by sex. i want my girls to know that they can be beautiful without being "sexy." and i certainly do not want the boys getting any wild ideas. remember the padded bikinis for girls at abercrombie&fitch last year? never. in. my. life. don't even ask me about some of the stuff i've seen people put on their babies. well, maybe ask a little. two words. high heels. yes, for babies. don't believe me? check it out. need another example? bikinis for babies.

i'm not exactly sure where i'm going with all of this. all i know is that it isn't fair to anyone involved when a woman wears revealing clothing. it's like inviting an alcoholic to a wine-tasting party. it just isn't fair to the few good men out there who actually do try to guard their eyes, and it isn't fair to the women married to the men who don't. remember, you're not just catching the eye of prince charming. there are a lot of fat, old, disgusting perverts, creepers, pedophiles, and rapists watching you and your babies, too.

poopoo poopoo, what do you see? i see a toddler staring at me.

okay. so, i don't know if my kid has just gotten to that age - if this is pretty normal - or if she's just really weird. then i wonder, if it is normal, is it usually a boy thing, or is it all kids? are only potty training children at risk? i can tell your curiosity is beginning to pique.

ever since i showed riley her dirty diaper in an effort to convince her to let me change it, she has had this preoccupation with inspecting poop. her poop ("mommy, i make a brown poopoo" or "riley made a big poopoo!), samantha's poop (to which she proudly exclaims, "mom, it's a yellow poop!"), and daddy's poop. she doesn't inspect mine because we all know mommies don't poop. (my husband would beg to differ). moving along...

we are not allowed to flush or close the diaper before she's had a chance to take a peak. my husband also recently taught her that "c" is for "caca". couldn't we have stuck with something easy like cookie, cat, cow, candy or clown? there are a lot of acceptable alternatives. i understand the need for reinforcing the french language, but we've already got enough poop to deal with. (while we're on the subject, did you know that the french word for boogers literally translates as "nose poop"?) it's probably a really good thing we don't have cats anymore. at least we've gotten over the hurdle of "it's poopoo on it" anytime something is dirty and needs to be wiped clean or washed.

so, is it just my daughter or is this pretty prevalent among the toddler community?

the Lord's work

Colossians 3:23 says, "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men." It's sometimes hard to remember that during those times when nothing seems to go right. On those days when Riley messes whatever I clean, she screams for no reason, I don't get to shower, when my all is just not good enough, or even a good day when no one is there to tell me thank you or acknowledge the time and love I have poured into caring for two small children.

It's times like these that I have to step back from the mess or screaming and remind myself that "this too shall pass." My girls won't always be little. There will always be a mess to clean. And even when I spend an entire day treading water, I am thankful for the daily reminders of God's love for me through the tiny miracles I experience everyday. Whether it's seeing my babies' smiles or hearing them giggle, a hug or kiss, the pitter-patter of little feet running through the house, my two year old praying and thanking God for Mommy (even though I was yelling at her two minutes ago), and watching them learn about the world our God created.

These are just a few reminders that my job, though perhaps not glamorous, is important. And no matter how often my gestures of love go unnoticed, what I'm doing makes a difference. Although I have to wash the dishes twice a day, the laundry never ends, my two year old refuses to eat the food I cook or seems demon-possessed, my husband is gone for days at a time, and I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown, I dig down deep and pray for the strength to get through another day on the baby battlefield. I pray that, while my heart is pounding, teeth clenched, and lips pursed, I have the patience to deal with another tantrum without losing my temper. I pray for the energy to prepare another meal that only I will eat (and another meal that meets a toddler's standards, sort of). I pray for the strength to manage a household while my husband is away from home working hard to bring home the bacon. And, at night, when the girls are sleeping and the house is quiet, I thank God that we survived another day! I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and remember that God is with me and loves me and sees the work that I am doing at home to further His kingdom.

redeemed

i came across this poem i wrote several years ago and thought i'd share it with y'all. enjoy! :)

i raised my arms up to the sky

and slowly as the clouds rolled by

the tears streaked down and raindrops ran

and blended with the blood on my hand

the puddles formed beneath my feet

then all the angels began to weep

my eyes were on heaven, His eyes were on me

i lost myself and fell on my knees

then down on my face and calling on Him

i begged that He take back all of my sin

"let me go back, turn back the clock,"

i begged and i pleaded, "please God make it stop!

the pain of it all, is this how it feels

for the ones whom you love to deny your appeals?

i'm sorry i sinned and killed you again

god please, oh please, take away all my sin

i need to start over, please give me that

i need a clean slate since i cannot go back."

the sunshine is covered by all of the clouds

and i'm still praying and crying out loud

my blood is covered by the blood that He gave

and i thanked God that even my soul could be saved

as the blood on the ground washed away with the rain

the clouds soon faded along with my pain

i rose to my feet and raised my arms to the sky

as the sunshine beamed down and the scarlet turned white

my eyes were soon dried and the puddles receded

all of my heartache and wounds had been treated

for He is the one who forgives everything

and taking it back was not as hard as it seemed

confessions

1. i do not like lunch meat, cauliflower, or lamb.

2. i hate spiders, but i will pick up a granddaddy long legs because i know they can't bite me.

3. i fell out of a truck the summer after i graduated from high school. it took nearly a year for the scars on my face to fade.

4. i got in a fight with a boy in fifth grade and didn't get in trouble. his teacher came into my classroom after recess and told me thank you!

5. i won the spelling bee in fifth grade but never learned how to do long division (still don't). i almost had to do a lesson on it when i was student teaching and panicked!

6. i don't like to be just good at something. i want to be the best. i lettered in five sports in high school (volleyball, basketball, soccer, track and cross country). i was named first team in volleyball my second year ever playing. i made first team and all east texas team in basketball my senior year. i was the only girl on the boys' varsity soccer team. in college soccer, i made first team my sophomore, junior, and senior years and conference co-mvp and letourneau's student athlete of the year my senior year.

7. i went to play basketball and majored in pre-med at ut dallas my freshman year of college. i left after my first semester, took a few months off, then went to play soccer and major in early childhood education at letourneau the next fall.

8. i worked at disneyland in fantasyland for nearly 6 months when we lived in california.

9. i am still a total tomboy. i'd take a gun, fishing rod, 4-wheeler, or ball any day over shoes, purses, makeup, and shopping.

10. i think i am one of the only women in the world unhappy about being skinny. i am always trying to gain weight, even when i'm pregnant. the most i have ever weighed (other than during pregnancy) was 120.

11. i gained 35 lbs. during both of my pregnancies. i lost 40 after i had riley.

12. jason is the only person who i will let see me cry, and even that doesn't happen very often.

13. josh turner is my celebrity crush.

14. i cancelled last minute for my first date with jason. it was a double date and he ended up being the third wheel. i guess he forgave me :)

15. in high school i told my friends that i would never live to be thirty. that's just over two years away, and now i pray that i will live to see my grandkids turn thirty :)

16. i have on old blog from college. you can find it here.

17. i do not drink coffee...yet. but then i do want more kids, so...

18. i have been to 7 countries and 25 US states (not including airport connections).

19. we didn't find out if riley was a boy or a girl when i was pregnant, and we didn't have a boy name picked out. we still couldn't agree on a boy name when i got pregnant with samantha. good thing they were both girls.

20. my mom is the only one among her siblings who hasn't been divorced. another good thing.

21. i flipped off a teacher in high school because i thought he would think it was funny. he didn't.

22. spring is now officially my favorite season. i love the blooms, fireflies, warm rains and thunderstorms.

23. in the 20 years i participated in contact sports, the worst injury i sustained was a concussion and bursted blood vessels inside my eye (i was temporarily blinded in one eye). i have never broken any bones in or out of sports (i did dislocate a bone in my hand/wrist after the truck fall, though). oh, and i sprained an ankle once playing intramural flag football.

24. i like the smell and taste of bananas but won't eat them because i don't like the texture.

did you learn anything new about me?

there is only so much...

there is only so much one can take. yes, i do cherish my sleep. and yes, i do know that you are supposed to sleep when the baby sleeps. but seriously...there is only so much one can take! there are a limited number of times that i am willing to step over a pile of laundry. i can only handle sitting on a crumb-covered couch for so long. not to mention that it's ant season! don't even get me started on the dishes. you know when you pile them on one side of the sink to soak? and you know how, after you haven't gotten to those, you start to stack dishes on the other side? and then you know how you can't even use your kitchen sink because there are too many disgusting dirty dishes (that by the point, you're almost not even willing to touch, let alone put your hands in that nasty water) in the way? yeah, don't even get me started on the dishes...oh and diapers. let me tell you about the diapers. they're everywhere. i think we have one trash can in our house, and it's in our bathroom. let me break it down for you:

1. during the middle of the night, sam's diapers get changed in our bed, and they get tossed on the floor. by the time we get up for breakfast, there's a nice pile of 3 or 4 (sometimes more) diapers.
2. in the morning, riley's diaper gets changed either on her floor before breakfast or on the couch after breakfast, so the diaper usually ends up either in the hallway or on the living room floor.
3. during the day, diapers get changed wherever we happen to be, which is, 9 times out of 10, in the living room.

depending on how fussy sam is being or how busy i am chasing riley around, these diapers may or may not sit in their designated spots until i can get to them and dispose of them properly. the kiddos get put on hold if riley poops. those diapers can't be left sitting around to marinate. it's just not safe. you may think that it would save me a lot of trouble if i would just put the clothes in the hamper, have riley eat only at the table, and invest in a few more trash cans. you would be wrong. have you ever left wet clothes in a hamper for an extended amount of time? it ain't pretty, and it doesn't smell pretty, either. have you ever left a 2 year-old alone at a table to eat? yeah, that one isn't much fun, either. food ends up everywhere but in her belly. have you ever had to empty a trashcan that's been collecting diapers for a few days/weeks? trust me, my friend. you don't want to. that's all i can say. it's easier this way.

so, that is why, my friends, i sometimes do without a nap, because there is only so much one can take. besides...i can sleep tomorrow.