The Three P's

Poopoo. Poo. Poop. Caca. Turds. Crap. Dung. Feces. Stool. BM. Shite. Whatever you call it...I have to deal with it daily. And it's usually not my own. No. And if it's not poop, then it's pee. And if it's not pee, then it's puke. The three p's.

I could almost consider the in-and-outs of diaper changes with my daughter as a form of torture. She kicks and rolls and screams and does just about anything she can to get her grubby little hands on whatever it is that has caught her eye. Sometimes I'm able to avoid a struggle by giving her a pretty toy to play with, which usually ends up being something I don't want her to have (my cell phone, a really sharp knife, an electrical cord, a tube of toothpaste, scissors, the cat's tail...). Just kidding. But seriously...those are the things she wants and turns into a mean little monkey to get!

Yesterday I was attempting to quickly change her Fuzzibunz diaper since she had just woken up. She is always hungry when she wakes up, so I knew she would want to eat right away. Sleeping is hard work, you know. So I'm wiping, and she's fighting. I grab the clean diaper. She rolls. Her feet go into the poo. I grab her heels to wipe it off. She kicks. My hand lands in the poo. Another piece goes flying. There is now a tiny turdlette stuck to my wrist. It is on her feet and on the carpet. I know that some moms probably have much worse horror poop stories, but this story isn't so much about the poop. It's about the diaper change.

I'm also burdened with cat poop. I love cats. I begged my husband for a cat. We even purchased a cat illegally from the animal shelter when we lived in our first apartment. It's really not that big of a deal. We weren't allowed to have pets, but I figured if we were busted we could just leave them at my parents' house. Little did I know, the animal shelter actually calls the landlord to check to see if we have their permission to adopt. Well, I gave them Top Gun's number who told them it would be just fine with him. The "landlord" was actually our neighbor and friend, but we lived on campus so, technically, he wasn't the authority. See? It's not that big of a deal, right? All of this was only after we attempted to capture and "rescue" the feral dumpster cats that resided around our apartment complex. Disgusting. I'm not sure what we were thinking exactly...free cat? Maybe. But still disgusting.

Our obedient illegal cat, Ace.

Where was I? Oh, yeah. I love cats, but I hate this stupid cat. We have to keep the litter box immaculate and the bathroom door closed at night (he thinks the bathtub is his giant toilet). Heaven forbid his highness's litter box isn't spotless. If it doesn't meet his standards, we will find a lovely surprise on the tile floor by our front door in the morning or after a trip to the grocery store. And if it's not poop, then it's pee. And if it's not pee, then it's puke.

One morning last fall, he began urinating on the tile. Let me tell you the disgusting story of how I discovered this fun new game. It's time to nurse Baby Girl. I pick her up and go to the bedroom where it is nice and quiet and relaxing. She was at that stage where she liked to play with my face while she ate. Oh...my...gosh...what is that smell?! YUCK! What...is...tha---SICK!

Baby Girl had crawled through the cat pee while playing, apparently. I stripped us both down and we took a nice hot shower together. I thought I was going to kill a cat. If you don't know what cat pee smells like, consider yourself lucky. It is pungent and putrid. Luckily, we received a carpet cleaner for Christmas. I want to throw the cat out, but guess what? He is allergic to fleas. True story. What kind of sick joke is this? Seriously. He pulls out his fur and bites nonstop if he gets fleas. It would just be cruel to kick him out. I can already see PETA on my doorstep. So for now, I just deal with his messes and my daily litter-box duty (which becomes Top Gun's litter-box duty when I'm pregnant). Don't even get me started on his puke. Does anyone want a cat?

Our stupid unruly cat, Duke.

Don't let that sweet face fool you, he is pure evil.